Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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