don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
