his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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