dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
