I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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