better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
