I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
