dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
