look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
