I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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