There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you had me at cake vodka
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
