Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
