He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
