well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
