i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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