i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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