I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
