cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
