So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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