I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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