One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
