I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
