You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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