you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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