Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
