let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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