Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
