Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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