look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
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My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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