so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I forget how to act sober
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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