I wish my penis had an off switch
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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