Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
