Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
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I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
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Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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