Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
