if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
