There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
