he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
