So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
