i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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