just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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