I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The Olympian is in my bed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
