my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
