Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
