FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
