Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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