i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
