I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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