You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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