can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
