I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
