How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
