My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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