I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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