I cannot find my penis.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
