I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
