i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
