Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
