just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest