So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.