If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
