Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
